How Emmett Stole Christmas
by totorostories
Summary: Emmett comes home with a surprise for the Cullens on Christmas Eve. Of all people, Santa Claus was his singer? Crackfic, O/S


**I don't own Twilight. This is another crackfic. Enjoy!**

Another Christmas in the trenches.

Carlisle was pissed, and that's saying something. This...was Emmett's doing, as usual. We could have been the typical happy family attending Church on Christmas Eve.

But no.

We're vampires - which means the curse? Yeah, it's in the fucking water, er, blood. Whatever.

It started off a nice evening. I was minding my own business and planning my next strategy for how to effectively hide Alice's presents. Edward and Bella were upstairs - no doubt continuing their dance in sexual denial. Esme and my devious other half were wrapping up the rest of their gifts for the rest of the family, Rose was applying the last of her lipstick in the bathroom, and Carlisle was staring into the fire in his study.

That left just one other. The annoying part was not even Edward seemed to have a grasp on where our dear brother could be, and I was beginning to grow paranoid. There wasn't a lot of good that usually came out of Emmett being alone on a holiday...even if it was only for a little while.

Holiday.

The word triggered some firecracker in my mind.

Tonight it was Christmas Eve...Emmett was missing...and something was off. But what the hell was it? The stress of it all was starting to seep into my brain and my finger tips tapped at my right temple nervously.

Bella suddenly came bounding down the stairs followed by my wife - who pranced over to the TV and flicked it on to a channel filled with some stop-motion animation Santa and his reindeer.

And that was when it all came sinking through.

"I know where Em is," my voice faltered a tad before standing and glaring over at my significant other. She giggled before walking to me with a smile. "Alice, why? Why do you insist on letting him tarry on like this? He's a 90 year old man, he doesn't need to keep believing in Santa!"

"Jazz, everyone needs to believe in Santa once in their lives. So what if he dreams the impossible dream? It's harmless...actually, I find it kind of cute."

Edward had walked up to us with a gleam in his eyes. "Yeah but Alice, whenever Emmett gets into the holiday spirit something weird happens and he ends up getting the rest of us into serious trouble."

Bella suddenly spoke. "Emmett still believes in Santa?"

We all nodded and she laughed.

"Hold that thought," Edward interrupted as we both noticed Alice space out, her eyes clouding over in mystery.

Edward's head snapped up abruptly as my wife's mouth popped in a little round way and she gasped, the vision ending. My insides twisted into knots and I was in front of her in an instant, waiting to see what her eyes would tell me.

Bella was on full alert as well, as Rose, Esme and Carlisle were in the living room within seconds. I tried to keep my side of the coined emotions down by emitting out as much calm as possible.

"Alice..." I started, when she didn't look up at me right away.

"What is it, Alice? What did you see - Edward?" Carlisle questioned softly, looking at my brother. His face was strange, off in a way that I hadn't seen before. It didn't so much scare me now for some reason. There was a hint of his cynical humor in the air.

"Edward?" Bella called, reiterating everyone's thoughts.

And then it happened. Edward snapped. He smirked, breaking the tension with a full round of laughter. In fact, he laughed so hard that he seemed almost human again, bending over and clutching at Bella's knee with a hand as he tried to study himself.

My wife was in a stance opposite to his, her arms folded over her chest and glaring in a way that I knew all too well - either she was completely pissed or utterly heartbroken.

The rest of us continued to stare in complete confusion right before there was a loud howl at the door. "ROSE!"

She glared over at the door and rolled her eyes, but the following shout was more desperate and high pitched. Emmett sounded as though he was hurt, which made Rose hiss and sprint out the door. We all followed, Carlisle at the front. I was automatically scanning the trees as we walked out to the porch, but when Rose flung the door ajar...I could only stare.

There was Emmett, covered in blood. And in his arms was a changing white bearded, red suited, fat guy.

God damn it.

"Emmett, you slipped at the mall, of all places?" Rose screeched.

He looked at her, his eyes lifeless and dark. "Rose, this guy was the real deal. I caught him feeding his deer in the woods with his sleigh. I think he was on his way to our house!" The tearless sobs began again.

Edward was in the back, cackling louder by the minute. Carlisle and Esme both turned to him and glared. "He's telling the truth," he replied with ease.

"Santaaaaa!" Emmett shrieked. "I tried to stop, I think there's still enough blood because his heart rate didn't slow too much."

That sobered Edward up immediately, as he shoved his way to the front, his eyes fixed murderously on the now softly groaning big guy. "Em, are you insane? He can't stay here, he'll endanger all of us and the town of Forks. I'm not going to allow him near Bella."

I couldn't help it as I pointed out, "Forget Forks. He's Santa Claus, he'll kill every last kid on the planet if we allow this."

Everyone slowly turned, glaring at me.

"Well, it's true."

"So what the hell are we supposed to do?!" Rose snapped, sitting beside Emmett on the ground.

We all looked to Carlisle and Esme, who seemed to be debating with each other. "Everyone deserves a second chance, Esme. You know that."

"I won't allow him to eat children, Carlisle, you know that."

Edward walked over to Emmett, slapping a hand on his shoulder. "Congrats, Em. You've single-handedly stolen the joy of kids everywhere."

"This isn't funny, Edward. Wait..." Emmett paused, standing as Santa flopped onto the porch, the groans becoming more apparent. "You know, I could-"

"NO! You are not driving a sleigh, God knows what would happen," Rose cut him off.

Carlisle was pissed and now we would all be spending more time in church because of it. If we hadn't been damned before, we certainly were now. And if that didn't screw us over, Emmett driving Santa's sleigh would.

Merry Christmas, indeed.


End file.
